BY SKEPTIK SINIKIAN
Just when you thought things could not possibly be stranger than they have been for the last five years of George W. Bush’s presidency–we are treated to him shaking his "vorig" like a backup dancer for Britney Spears in a public square in Tbilisi–Georgia. If you’ve missed this piece of news footage–which ironically was immediately taken off of national and international airwaves in favor of a late breaking story of a two-seater Cessna airplane getting lost in Washington–DC airspace (Congress and Senate were immediately evacuated)–the President’s gyrating hips were replaced with images of Senators and Congressman’spilling out of the Capitol like rats fleeing a sinking ship. Who’s wagging the dog now?
As an American–I apologize to the Georgian people. I apologize to the Georgians–even though they are acting like ingrates by converting all of Georgia’s historic Armenian churches to Georgian Orthodox. In spite of their malicious attempts to destroy Georgia’s Armenian cultural heritage–I still feel compelled to apologize for my President’s ridiculous Hawaiian hula shake which apparently was meant to resemble a traditional Georgian dance. Doesn’t the President have a protocol attach that accompanies him to places and explains cultural behavior and nuances beforehand? At least he didn’t puke on Georgian President Saakashvili’s lap during the state dinner like his father did in Japan. Although–I’ve heard that puking in someone’s lap is the second most popular way of thanking someone in Georgia–the most popular–of course–being the desecration of someone else’s religious sites.
When I first heard that the President was visiting Georgia–I thought there must have been a huge mistake. His staff told him he was headed to Georgia and "Dubya" thought he was headed to Atlanta and not Tbilisi. The highlight for me was the look on Laura Bush’s face as her husband was dancing. It was that same humiliated look my ex-girlfriend used to get anytime I would try to sing in public. Speaking of other embarrassmen’s–if you sent out an email last week asking friends and family to vote in a poll on a website to recognize the Genocide–hang your head in shame. At last count–I have received about 30 emails from different people–all of them urging me to go on some website and vote on the following question–"Should the Turkish Government Recognize the Armenian Genocide?"
I actually logged on to the site out of mere curiosity. The results were not surprising. I saw that the breakdown was about 87% answering NO and only 4% were YES to this ridiculous question. I deleted the e-mail because the site did not look like a legitimate site and because there are better ways of pursuing Genocide recognition than through someone’s homemade website. I also figured that the whole site was a scam set up by someone who was getting paid per click–a website marketing scheme still used by some internet companies. I hoped that most folks would see right through this online scam. But before I knew it–my mailbox was receiving 10 emails a day urging me to help the Armenian Cause by going to this site and voting on it multiple times and urging the Turks to recognize the Genocide. EVERY DAY! TEN E-MAILS! I believe this is the first ever recorded instance of Armenian Spam on the internet. SPAM is a term used to describe any unsolicited e-mail–often of a commercial nature–sent indiscriminately to multiple mailing lists–individuals–or newsgroups; junk e-mail. Before you know it–we’ll all be receiving e-mails asking us if we want to refinance our home in Armenia–offering us cheap prescription drugs from Uzbekistan–of offering miracle drugs made of secret Caucasus mountain herbs which will help us either control our hair loss or lose weight or both if we want.
I’m so frustrated with people who actually participated in this stupid online survey. I can’t believe that there are folks out there who actually fell for this? What? It was on the Republic of Armenia’s official diaspora page you say? Yes it was! Armenia’s government even fell for this stupid scam. Thousands upon thousands voted for this stupid poll and I bet only a third of those who voted have ever actually called a member of Congress to urge them to raise levels of aid to Armenia–acknowledge the autonomy of Artsakh or reaffirm the facts of the Armenian genocide. This is the result of the internet–materialistic–mass consumer age we live in. It’s the kind of age where if we want at least 100,000 Armenia’s to show up to a Genocide event–then we better start thinking of ways to build a Genocide memorial in Las Vegas–Nevada–right by Caesar’s Palace–because I bet you more Armenia’s will go to Las Vegas on April 24 than to any community event!
I better stop before the vein in my forehead bursts! Let’s talk about more lighthearted topics. What better than coming full circle and ending our conversation with another Bush anecdote. You know–I’m glad George W. Bush won the Presidency. I don’t know what I would have done without the Bush family’s shenanigans to keep me entertained. I’m going to ask a "True or False" question and I’ll let you guess the answer. Ready?
True or False? After decades of being denied the right to vote–last week Kuwaiti women were finally granted suffrage by the Kuwaiti parliament.
If you said true! Congratulations! ou’re an idiot. If you said false! Congratulations! You get an "A+" in "Oppressive Arabic Societies and the Powerful US Leaders Who Support Them 101" Course. That’s right! Kuwait–the country we sent 425,000 American troops to defend–and spent 71 billion dollars to save from Iraq–does not allow women the right to vote. Never has. Never will. In Saddam Hussein’s Iraq–women were granted to right to vote back in 1980.
But wait! President Bush told us we–and the freedom loving nations of the world–had to push Saddam out of Kuwait to preserve and defend liberty and other American values! What if Saddam was actually in Kuwait to liberate the women? Impose Iraqi laws on the oppressive Kuwaiti regime? That could never happen. The Bush family would never lie to us. Saddam had weapons of mass destruction. I heard he also liked sleeping with farm animals and that he was an unrepentant fan of Adolph Hitler. Not like our buddies in Kuwait. Those wacky guys who last week voted to deny Kuwaiti women the right to vote because they argued that involvement in politics "would make them [women] neglect their families." Ah?the "Your place is in the kitchen argument!" Very sophisticated and so 17th century! It’s nice to see Kuwait standing up for wholesome–antiquated Victorian values. What’s next? Reintroducing the 18 hour work day for children between the ages of 9 – 15?
Well–let’s not start bashing the Kuwaitis just yet. Let’s take a vote. All those who think we should still support Kuwait in spite of its oppressive policies raise your hand! Everyone’s vote will count the same. Women in Kuwait are excluded. So are minorities in Ohio and Florida. I’ll tell you the results next week.
Skeptik Sinikian is currently making millions of dollars by forwarding e-mails sent to him by powerbrokers at Mikrosoft. For each email Skeptik forwards to someone–he receives 30 cents plus a lifetime supply of "You’re an idiot" commen’s from friends. If you would like to learn more about this offer–email him at [email protected] or visit his blog at www.sinikian.blogspot.com.